i painted the first layer on my veteran Dark Angel space marines today. i also found out that the ‘hydrogen’ virtual synth is….Fantastic! it’s also freeware…unbelievable. i got it from sourceforge.net which i think is a great resource and i would recomend it to anybody and i have. actually ‘hydrogen’ has helped me to keep sane today as the realisation of another week without contact with my children bites home. thats a lot for a bit of freeware. as i write this blog now, the pain of loss, lack of sleep and loneliness fill my frontal lobe with tension and pain. but the thought of another night of nightmare’s about my children and the ex override the urge to sleep. i will never surrender or give up trying to get contact with my children, and for someone who shared my life for over ten years to think that i would even contemplaite giving up on my kids shows how much she truly never knew me. i have just realised, as i write, that because she cheated on me, i thought that meant i didn’t know her, but as the question of the children arrises, the truth is visa versa! the biggest irony of all is that if i wasn’t interested in the children, if i made statements like “i don’t want to see the kids, i ain’t got time. they might not be mine anyway!” then, no doubt, she would be rushing to force them on me. but i am not a lier. i tell it like it is- wort’s an all! i thought that the days of men trying in vain to have contact with their children after a split in the relationship were over. obviously not. i pray ” Please God, let me see Sam, Amy and Max again. please let me have the opportunity to tell them that i love them all very much. please let me have the chance to explain that i would never be parted from them intentionally. amen”
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