the day started off with me planning my move back to Newquay in my head. Then me dad called on me mobile. it’s “do- ing his driveway” day. he said that he would be over at around 1pm. i thought “great, we’ll be able to discuss me move”. so i started painting my figures, adding the finishing touches to my Dark Angle Veterans and doing more work on my Terminators and Dreadnought. i could have happily painted all day. then me dad arrived at around 1:30pm. i got ready while he had a cup of tea with me mom and her chap, Mick.
when i went down stairs the topic was, of course, me kids and what was our next move going to be. i thought “we already know the next move – me moving back as close as possible to Sammy’s school”. i put this to them. Unsurprisingly, me dad had changed his position. now they all thought that a move straight away would be pointless!! i try to see their point of view, but with all the disappointment we’ve had so far, i just think that we’re putting off the inevitable. i will move back to Newquay, preferably with their help, but i have decided that if nothing has changed within the next two weeks/ end of the month, then i’ll go anyway. i am 36 after all. i did have a house of my own with my wife and three kids (until she cheated on me). i am entitled to my own life, and sitting here watching my mothers heartbreak due to lack of contact with her grandchildren isn’t helping anybody. at least if i was in Newquay i could see them everyday. i realise that me parents are worried that i’ll get into trouble on my own, but i have got a new positivity inside that i never had before. that empty hole inside that makes you think “what do other people know about ‘life’ that i don’t?” isn’t there to the extent it was before. i feel like i’m going stir crazy, and i feel really guilty for all the help that i’ve received from me mom. she shouldn’t have to have all this upset. if i was in Newquay there would be no need for her to stay in bed and breakfast’s when we have a court date regarding the children. no mad rush to get back to Birmingham and the long four hour drive that the journey takes, cos she could stay at mine. i feel like the more help i receive the less happy i feel inside. i don’t know what to think really.
i digress. so we had a bit of an argument. but me mom said that we shouldn’t fall out and that the court has ordered this new guy from social (dont) care to get involved in making sure that i get contact with me kids. i hope he’s all that everybody has built him up to be. the less contact i have, the more painful it gets, and i don’t want me kids to think that i’ve left them. i haven’t and wouldn’t. why do people have to be so cruel? what did i do to deserve this treatment? i think it might be easier if i could say to myself “well, you did this / that”, but i can’t, because i haven’t. i took me kids to school, fed them, clothed them, entertained them and looked after my wife when she was ill. all this pain and upset because my wife has decided to cheat on me and go out drinking with her new pals. if i’d have objected, would that have made a difference? i think it might have provoked her to do what she did anyway sooner.
i digress again. so me dad and me left to go to his house so i could help him “do” his driveway. then i received a call from my friend Lee. he said that i could go and have a drink at his while watching the F1 qualifier on telly, so i did. i stayed at his till about 10pm. i had two cans and we discussed the days events. then he dropped me back at me moms. as i write this blog it 6:10 in the morning and i haven’t been able to sleep again. when i finish this i have decided to watch a bit of anime, “laputa”, and get into bed…….